Babies Don't Keep

I am almost at the three-month mark of being back at work. While things are starting to settle into a routine and there has been a lot of affirmation in returning to the workplace, it's still hard. It's hard every day. Today, I saw a baby on campus about the same age as Emerson, and I nearly broke out in tears. I don't know where it came from, but it just made me miss her. I watched as the baby bobbled around on his momma's hip, just like Em does right now. I wanted so bad to say "I have a baby, too!" or "How old is he? My little girl is about the same age!" I didn't; I just smiled as I walked by. It hit me at a different time last week. On a night that both Boomer and I had late events, Grammy pulled an extra long shift and put Em down for bed. When I called on the way home, again I teared up as my mom told me about their day. It broke my heart to miss so many hours with her. Boomer and I don't have strictly "eight to five" jobs, so there are several nights that one or both of us miss bedtime. There are also weekend events, which mean more time away. When I went back to work in mid-February, I told myself that I would be on my way home right at 5PM, that I wouldn't check my email after I left, but some evenings, that just doesn't happen. It is a struggle to find the balance and to feel like I am spending enough time with her. When she goes to bed, there is a relief that the day is done, but then I realize the short hour or two I had with her passed by in a whirlwind of unpacking, bathing, cleaning, and feeding. It's hard to live in the moment, when the moment is so fast-paced and often rushed. The days are going by, and she is growing so quickly. My sister sent me a picture of my mom and Em at a school luncheon this past Tuesday, and she looked so big. She didn't look like an infant or a newborn. I could hardly believe how much she has changed. There is a sparkle in her eye, and her facial expressions reveal her personality. I love that she is growing, and I love all these changes -- but I don't want to miss a thing.

I think moms, whether working moms or stay-at-home moms, will always feel like there isn't enough time. And as they say, babies don't keep. So for now, I will try to cherish the mornings; I will look forward to the evenings and soak up the weekends. I'll continue to come up with silly songs that make Em laugh and pick out her outfits in hopes of seeing them after work. I'll keep on pumping every few hours, even when it seems inconvenient or impossible to fit in. I'll pump in my office, in my car, and in a closet. I'll try not to groan when I hear those sweet sounds on the monitor in the morning when my little one is stirring. And I'll cherish those [often blurry] photos that I get throughout the day from a loving and doting grandparent whose hands [and heart] are a little more full.

"The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."